I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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