I accidentally burped into my bong.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
