you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
