So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
