i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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