Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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