ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
