Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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