I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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