I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
