i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
