I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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