A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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