just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
