Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
