I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
