A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
too bad you live with your parents still
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
