I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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