they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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