I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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