What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
