So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
its liver damage thursday
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
