yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
