: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
How external is "for external use only"?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
