I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
