Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
