come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
