i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
