I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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