If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
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Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
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Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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