even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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