can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
