I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
porn star boner night. come get it.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"