I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Sober January is a disaster.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit