One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant