if i can run in heels then i can drive
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
