I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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