im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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