I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
