Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
