2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
