my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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