You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
