You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
