dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
