all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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