I just threw up on my dentist
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
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