We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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