i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
