I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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