so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
