I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
