True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
