I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
