So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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