Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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