i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
