You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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