none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
