3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I FOUND THE LEGS
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
