Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
