I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
